Its not being paranoid...

As of April 11, 2008 at 9:00 AM (posted before the nice gentlemen took me away)
Steps: 2,310,258
Miles: 969.54
Miles to Virginia: 56.46

...if they ARE out to get you!

The following recording was whispered into a wireless mic by our undercover agent, who we believe was lost at the end of this action.


Oh-nine hundred, I leave my domicile heading eastbound on the sidewalk. The weather is overcast and moderately warm. My mission is to go to the local strip mail and make inquiries concerning cases codenamed "OmegaFord" and "FishCarp".

As the storm door closes very silently shut, I spot an OCHA** about 40 yards north-north-east of me. I turn up the lapels of my trench coat and hope I've not been spotted.


Oh-nine-oh-five hundred hours, with heightened alertness, I take exactly three paces forward on the aforementioned sidewalk and turn my head slightly but keep my face lowered and partly covered with my hat.

I spot another OCHA, this one is only 10 yards from the first one in a more northerly direction. I slowly and smoothly reach into my trench coat and pull my service gun (bureau serial number 38492) loaded with 9mm semi-jacketed hollow points from its holster.


Oh-nine-oh-eight hundred hours, with adrenaline pumping, I raise my armor-lined black briefcase to shield my face. I then turn north onto another sidewalk. I see 3 more OCHAs at map coordinate A4-7F. I am badly outnumbered and without backup. I think to myself, what would James Bond do?

I walk nonchalantly down the sidewalk. The OCHAs I spotted previously coming out the door have crossed over the driveway behind me. When I am just about in front of the OCHA stationed at the mailbox cluster, I suddenly and with great violence pick "him" up and stuff "him" into the trashcan while shooting the two OCHAs behind "him". Turning around swiftly and while diving into the back of the Joy truck, I fire two more shots at the OCHAs tailing me.

Stepping quickly through the truck, I shove the driver out of the vehicle and accelerate away... Suddenly a chopper appears overhead as I careen down the driveway. Three air-to-surface missiles streak from the chopper bracketing the truck, their explosions ventilate the vehicle from bumper to bumper as I head over the nearby curb and onto the sidewalk and across the yard where I speed toward the swimming pool. OCHAs suddenly appear from the pool-side cabana and I ....

[static - transmission lost]

Photos Copyright 2008 roving photojournalist and secret agent LadyStyx

** Orange Conehead Alien



Postscript: Our 'missing' agent was later located in bed with a very attractive member of the opposite sex. Yes... this is indeed what James Bond would have done.

Notes: I originally thought I would write this saying, "What would Inspector Gadget do?" but I thought the idea was truly ridiculous and everyone would think "now that's totally ludicrous."

I then thought "What would Tom Hanks do?" thinking 'Saving Private Ryan' or even 'Forrest Gump'. Unfortunately the only thing that came to mind was 'Wilson! Wilson! Where are youuuuu Wilson!?!?!?', so this entry was written the way it was. I'm sorry, Ian Fleming, I really am.