Sadness - Acceptance

I recently got an e-mail from a talented, dear person that I admire who has recently lost her father to cancer and her 103+ year old grandmother nearly at the same time.

I had no real words of comfort for her. I still have no real words of comfort for her.

Another friend finds the occasion of her father's birthday to be painful even after nearly 20 years of his passing.

I had no real words of comfort for her either...Someone commented on her entry and said this:

"The relentless forward march of time produces many events in our lives, both fair and unfair. These events in turn, merge into a bittersweet mosaic called “memories,” Those memories never diminish or get easier to bear. We merely condition ourselves.

It’s called acceptance."

And while I found myself nodding in agreement...I thought there has to be something more.

My nephew's recent graduation was the source of some distress - or rather a slide show composed of many pictures showing him growing from a wee baby to the grown adult he now is, was...because in those many pictures were very few me and him - or my parents and him...

Granted my older brother doesn't live around the corner - but the 360 miles that separate us are nothing - to a family as nomadic as mine - I know I'm rarely home on weekends - and my parents, well, they could be anywhere in the country on any given weekend... they just weren't in upstate New York very often, or at least not for photo opportunities.

There was and is more than mere miles that separated us - it's things said that can't be unsaid - hurt feelings that a simple apology can't heal... petty dislikes, personality quirks, and just plain impatience with each other's perceived shortcomings, foibles and eccentricities.

My point is this - letting this get in the way of family and friends...of shared times together has led to some internal grief and self-remonstrations, that could have been avoided.

I know others that suffer from family squabbles and worse. Much of the bad temper is caused by the pettiest of things. Yes, we all have a right to our opinions and yes, there is (supposedly) freedom of speech in this country, but...sometimes keeping one's mouth shut can demonstrate character. A type of character once held by any "gentleman" worthy of the title. A gentler, kinder world would be a much nicer one. A little more "compromise" and a little more "meeting half way" would have changed how things unfurled over the past 16-18-20 years.

Unfortunately, some mouths weren't kept shut. And sometimes people took on things that were "none of their business". My brother's families were (and are) theirs to raise - negative and/or snide comments about how they are managing this difficult "untaught" task were and are not appreciated, even if there was a voice of hard-learned experience behind them and even if they were "told you so, right".

And so, I went digging, putting my nose where I didn't, and don't, think it belongs, to find a picture...where my parents were together with the graduating nephew.


..and found one. My sister-in-law took this photograph of my parents, her family, and the neighbors (with the requisite dogs) down at the seashore. The old woman in the center suffered from bad health and the day of this photo, she had one of very rare "good days" as she is standing up in front of her daughter, son-in-law, and grandchildren. She died the following winter.

No, I don't think events form a "bittersweet mosaic called 'memories'," they form extended and fantastically complicated, interconnected mosaics - with some of mine in yours - and some of yours in mine - and with parts neither of us can see...

I ought to see that the neighbor's daughter gets a copy of this photo.

And I ought to tell some family that - what is past is past - we need to focus on the future - and try to make it less bitter and more sweet.

The Brain Game - Thoughts

In a previous entry I wrote about a homework assignment I would like to see handed out in High School.

Of course, no one answer is a "correct one" and a passing grade would be getting actually getting home as quickly as you could.

My thoughts were these:

Tend the immediate - Is the weather such that I need to find shelter ASAP? Is it pouring down rain? Snowing? The wind howling? The sun roasting me alive? Remember you only have pants and a shirt on. Will I need to find water quickly?

If shelter is necessary, focus on finding some as where to go first.

Take stock - What do I have with me? Check all my pockets. Do I have a water bottle and/or driver's license? Both of these signify something. I think seeing I had a water bottle in my hand would make me think, "Ut oh," and finding a driver's license would mean I'm a long way from home.

Get oriented - About what time is it? Which way is "north-ish?" Are there any clues to where I am? Are there any clues to where the nearest town or settlement might be?

Clues might be a sign on the road with distances, mile markers, a newspaper or other printed matter amongst any trash along the road, even a beer can or soda bottle might say where it was from on the label... A bunch of trash from a McDonald's, 7-11 or even Walmart could indicate one of those stores might be nearby. My dad postulated a new theory along the lines of moss growing on the north side of trees; his new theory is that trash piles on the west side of trees (due to prevailing winds). From my limited observations, he may well be right!

Perhaps you see some cars, parked or whizzing by, what state is the most common license plate? Do you recognize the scenery? Is it someplace you've been (at least near) before? Is there a sign down the road that says, "Moose Crossing"? We decided a "Deer Crossing" sign tells us close to nothing! :) Is there a stream nearby? Which way is "downstream"? Would going downstream be better than upstream? Why? We debated this and decided that by and large, on the east coast, downstream would usually be the way to go - but it definitely wasn't anything conclusive.

Taking a deep breath, I would start walking in whatever direction that promised signs of shelter, drink, and/or civilization depending on which was the most urgent.

My parents and I debated walking up to the first house we saw and asking for help. We decided that we, if possible, would look for a friendly church, public library - or a phonebook listing public services. I'm not sure if you can make a collect call from a phone booth (which have gotten rare in these parts due to the prevalence of cellphones) without any change. I guess we would try it to see if we could make such a call and we would call a relative we could depend on to "make arrangements to save us" before calling a stranger locally to ask for aid (in the form of food and drink, making a phone call, providing on-line access, a ride into town/transportation center or monetary assistance.) We decided that this was not neccessarily the right thing to do but it is a strong "family tendency" to try to do things independently of others (for better or worse).

Sadly, we all agreed that we wouldn't seek out a police officer as a first choice. If push came to shove, of course, we would go that route. The thinking was that if you are in a bad place, you might get picked up for vagrancy long before you get any assistance. I'm not sure this is fair or accurate but that's what we were thinking.

Many libraries nowadays have free Internet service. Internet service means the ability to e-mail someone you know and trust asking for assistance. Or you could go my dad's route...

The 23-digit number my dad rattled off was his credit card number, the expiration date, and the security code. With this - and an Internet connection, he could reserve a plane ticket and also possibly reserve a seat on a "shuttle van" to the nearest airport (depending on where he was). With a driver's license he could pick up his ticket at the departure desk and have ID that permitted him to get on the plane. He could also, in many places, order a pre-paid meal delivered to him on-line! I wrote down the number and asked him to show me his card. He nailed it.

Calling "home" for assistance means determining what sort of aid could be provided. Possibly a wire transfer of money (cash)? Express mailing your wallet (with your credit card(s), driver's license, checkbook?) UPS overnight your cellphone? Think it through, if you are 1,800 miles away, you most likely will be taking the bus, the train, plane, or renting a car. You will need some cash at minimum (for a bus ticket) and a form of ID for the other methods.

If you were close enough to home, my parents and I agreed having someone come get us would be "practical". A true test of "love," huh? How many miles would someone drive in order to come get you? :)

As for me, I've memorized my credit card number, expiration date, and security code. A 23-digit number I hope I never need to use in this manner.

P.s., we noticed to our embarrassment, due in part to cell phones keeping our contact information, we could remember very, very few phone numbers and I couldn't even remember my own.