As an old(er) single guy I am still often asked, "Why aren't you married and why are you still alone?" The answer is complicated and it hurts. Not being a father on father's day hurts too.
I already written about my first crush... Stephanie and ... how being very young, shy and in love turned into a most embarrassing moment for me. You can read and laugh at it if you want here.
I've also written about a couple of people that were taken away from my life by cancer here.
In the 10th grade of high school, I dated a young woman who was full of life and very talented. She marched in the band, acted in the school drama club, took honors English, and laughed with me when we did things together. And then one morning she learned she had pancreatic cancer, and few short, horrible months later, she was gone. Her picture and some memories seem to be all that is left behind.
I didn't date much after that in high school, and in college, it took just about everything I had to keep from flunking out. Once I graduated, I moved back into the area I grew up in, and started dating again. One woman I enjoyed seeing soon after college, I fell head over heels for... we did everything together, weekly movies, Flyers hockey games, and a took a long trip to Ireland. The picture above was taken on a country lane somewhere in Ireland.
Somehow, we talked and talked to (or at?) each other - but we just didn't communicate and things sort of drifted along for a while. And then one day I got moved into the dreaded "just friends" zone. I still speak to this friend, albeit infrequently.
I meet this woman at work at my first job working at a Pharmaceutic company. We played pool, went skiing, talked about cars - I even let her drive my brand new BMW while I was away on business in Europe for a few weeks. We were evenly matched temperamentally - but that wasn't a good thing - both of us being very moody and very much into wanting things done "our way".
We fought like cats and dogs (every other day it seemed) until I almost welcomed being moved into the "just friends" zone which eventually happened. The BMW is long gone...an expense I don't think I'll ever be able to, or even want to, afford again. I still speak to this friend too, albeit infrequently.
There have been other important women in my life - however, none lately - I don't know if I got weary of the effort of looking - afraid of heart-wrenching loss - or what - They say time heals all wounds - Perhaps I'm still healing. Perhaps I've finally grown used to the idea of being alone - Perhaps it is too easy for me to mentally go from thinking "perhaps I'm just unlucky" to "I'm a cancer causing, defective loser" - I don't know - I just...really rather not talk about it.
