A Rainy Day's Musings

It's a dreary rainy day day here, so I thought I would sit and recount my visit with Mr. Earthworm that took place a couple days ago. Even after I nearly stepped on him, he graciously allowed me to pick him up and place him on a nearby bench - where I sat next to him and we chatted about things, you know, things like the world's problems (all of which we solved), the new football season and other sundry topics.

What Wormy had to say was really interesting and got me thinking that, if and when I ever get reincarnated, I want to come back as a earthworm.

There are a great many pluses.

Earthworms are invertebrates. That is, they do not have a backbone. So this means they experience no lower back pains, no neck pains, no sacroiliac troubles, sore knees, and never have achy dislocated shoulders.

Earthworms do not have a nose, eyes, ears, or hands to gather sensory information about their environment. Instead, they depend on sensory receptors in their skin to "feel" their way through the soil.

This would be wonderful! To never have a runny or stuffed up nose and never worrying about being poked in the eye. And never having conjunctivitis or irritated eyes from allergies as well as never having ringing in the ears, or ever hearing any nagging.

In fact, you would never hear dumb songs like the "Popeye the Sailor's Mam" and "King Henry the Eight I Am!" Without hands, you could never get arthritis in the fingers to boot! All of this is just for starters!

Oh! How can I forget! you'd never need to buy contact lens solution, or a nose or ear hair trimmer! Gosh! The list seems nearly endless!

Cooler still, earthworms have both boy and girl reproductive parts - they are, like snails and slugs, hermaphroditic. The brilliant Woody Allen once said, "The good thing about being bisexual is that it doubles your chance of a date on a Saturday night." Of course, being hermaphroditic takes things to a whole 'nother level. Oh, I hear you thinking "simultaneous orgasm" two times over... but you don't have to admit it and please don't comment on what you think about this.

Earthworms have simple brains which specialize in directing body movement in response to light, and not much else. To show how simple the brain is, if an earthworm's brain is removed, changes in its general behavior are hardly noticeable. Now, wouldn't that excuse a lot of my silly behavor? I'm also thinking earthworms don't get migraines or other headaches - or at least not really big ones.

Earthworms have no lungs. Their "breathing" consists of oxygen from the air passively diffusing through the skin into the body. So, no asthma, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, infections like influenza, pneumonia and tuberculosis, lung cancer, and many other breathing problems. It would be really hard to beat that!

There would be no taxes or rent or mortgage to pay, no baby diapers to change, no worries about gasoline prices or car repairs or rush hours, no listening to endless ads placed by politicians shamelessly slinging mud at one another, no telemarketers, no agonising over what to wear or even what clothes to buy and how to pay for them, no teeth to brush and never getting cavities and no root canal surgeries... In fact, nothing is expected of a worm other than they eat and poop (and have that aforementioned mind-boggling sex).

This list is by no means all-inclusive - the absolute best thing about being an Earthworm, I would think however, would be playing in the mud all day. Now that would be a whole lot of fun!

There are, a course, like with anything else, some downsides.

• No arms for hugging or for tattoo'ing if you are into that sort of thing.
  
• Not being able to do the breast stroke or to be able swim at all for that matter.
  
• Having to remember to get out of the house when it rains and not vice versa.
  
• Having dry skin is worse than the heartbreak of psoriasis.
  
• Being eaten by something like a robin or a mole.
  
• Getting put on a hook and tossed into a fish's mouth.
  
• Getting stepped on by some worm-splutters.

Worm Facts