Bubba's Tale - The Current Crisis

Once I was back and had thought about life and its meaning for a while, I was unsure about what I was to do next. I knew I would still like to find one of those whores the guys raved about and getting one of those career things sounds like something I ought to do before too much longer. So I decided seeing the old lady that sent me to college was the best way to go about doing these things. I found her at the school in the playground and when I walked up to her, she keeled over in front of me and died. My grief was boundless, I had lost the only girlfriend I had ever had. I attended the funeral and watched her being lowered into the ground. I pondered this lowering into the ground business since everyone that came to the funeral service said she was going to heaven, which is up there they pointed, when I asked where heaven was. Why set her back six feet? - does she need a running start? Slowly the idea come to me that heaven must be the place where I was when I was in the waiting room before that dreadful day at the hospital.

I had this incredible urge to go to heaven so asked Steve how I could get there and he smiled and said he thought I'd never ask and that sure he'd tell me how. He directed me to get a container of weed killer at the hardware store and to drink it and after I had satisfied my thirst I should start walking the direction away from home and before I knew it I would be there, in heaven, that is.

So off I went to the hardware store to buy some weed killer. I asked the guy at the store for some and he asked me which kind I preferred. I told him I wanted the kind that would get me to heaven quickest and all he did was give me a funny look and say I was a wise ass. At this point I agreed with him, figuring two people couldn't be making the same mistake about what I was. The guy was getting impatient and asked me again which brand I wanted so I asked him which tasted the best. He was very upset after that and threatened to call the cops. I thought calling the cops would be like calling the roll, so I told him that calling the cops was no big deal. I knew instantly I should have just asked for one of the orange colored cans instead, because the guy went gonzo and shouted for me to get out of his store.

My trip to heaven was a fiasco. I never got past the hardware store. I was so bummed out that all I wanted to was kill myself. I returned and asked Steve how I might kill myself. Steve looked puzzled and replied that he had already told me how to kill myself by going to the hardware and getting some weed killer to drink. I knew then that killing myself wasn't going to be any easier than going to heaven. So I gave up trying to do that and went back to my "homeroom" to think some more. I was back to where I started from in every sense of the word and my frustration was mounting daily. I had to find a different way to get heaven or to kill myself or to have a career or a new girlfriend. It was kind of a limited situation and growing weary of the thinking about it, I took a vacation.