My mom, I think, is trying to express her feelings about, well, questions like, "Is my life pretty much over now and do I have anything more to offer anyone?"
She has been dredging up materials on old people that were doing wonderful things well into their 90 and 100 years of age. My mom is an amazing woman. She's been really sick the past couple weeks from some sort of cold/flu. On the days when she feels better, my dad has been sick. The illness has been seesaw ride. They both seem to be feeling better today so hopefully they will feel really good come this Memorial Day weekend (the houseboat is calling!)
In the meantime, if anyone has something I can tell her, that would ease her mind about getting old(er), I'd be most appreciative. I too, find the subject very hard to bring up in a direct manner - I will be lost without her (my dad is already lost when she's not feeling well).
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18 comments:
There are many people out there that we read about in the newspapers or hear about on the radio. Then the next one comes along and we forget them. The people we remember are those who have touched our hearts and lives in some way. Your Mom is one of those people. Tell her that. Tell her how being something like a one-legged pilot or whatever isn't the only kind of amazing there is. In fact, being a devoted wife and Mother, being a loyal friend to those who need one... Those are the things which make a person truely amazing!
I hope your parents start feeling better soon!
I'll email you after I think some more on this because it's so hard to express myself when I get a lump in my throat.
I will say here though that a life well lived is to have been loved, and I know she is.
As to her pulling out the newspaper clipping, remind her we should never compare ourselves to another because we are all gifted with different desires and life experiences.
I think we just want to leave a legacy behind us and hope we made some kind of difference in the world while we were here.
More later...
Oh Iggy. I'm so sorry your parents have not been well. I know it has been such a worry, as well as a strain on you. You truly have me stumped. I didn't know what to tell my own parents or how to comfort myself. There is an older neighbor guy who seems to have the right attitude about living and dying. I'm guessing he is close to 90. When his wife of many years died of cancer, he told no one. I'm sure that is how he has set up things to be handled when he dies. His philosophy is something like, we've lived a good life. If you have something to do, do it. If you have something to say, say it. When we're gone, we're gone. A few years ago the Dr's put him in the hospital with pneumonia. While he was recuperating, his step-son-in-law got a court to rule he was incompetent. Took away everything. This old man fought back (I'm pretty sure I blogged about him). He is still a feisty old guy today. I think if your parents remain feisty and committed to living life as fully as possible, what more can one ask for?
Boy is this a non-comforting reply, but it is the best I have. I still struggle with the fact that I wasn't able to provide more comfort to my own parents. I've come to the conclusion that no matter how much, it is never enough.
Huge hugs dear friend, and say hello to the houseboat for me. Give your parents an extra hug. Hopefully they will feel better and be refreshed out in the open air.
It isn't what you do, it's who you are that's really important.
Sometimes people need to hear that you love them because of who they are and what they've meant to you, you know?
I think most people think more about their life if they are lucky to have lived a long one. She's probably thinking more about it because she's been sick and maybe wondering what life would be like if she couldn't do what she's always done before, you know? It's difficult--and it's a private path. Just let her know how much she is loved and appreciated--and make her laugh as often as possible! ;)
I am almost 70...every morning when I wake up I say the same thing to the Goddess..Thanks for not coming after me while I sleep..every day above ground is a good day..she has lived a great life and raised a wonderful family...and if she feels like she should still do things? tell her to volunteer ...at any thing and any where..it's the most rewarding thing I do.
I'm glad your parents are feeling better. I've been worried about them. Been worried about you, too. I hope they feel up to going to the houseboat this weekend. I know you look forward to it as much as they do.
A person's worth is sometimes hard to define. What one person sees in another can be totally different from what they see in themselves. Tell your mom she still has love to give, and that in itself is a wonderful gift to share.
My dad is getting things around for his semi-annual trip to his cabin in northern Ontario. He's leaving Friday. He's been doing some things lately that have me a bit concerned, but I hope and pray he'll be okay and will be around for a very long time.
*big hugs to you*
I wish I had words to help you and your mom with her subtle hints about her mortality and life achievements. Unfortunately, I have not had to deal with this myself, so don't know what I would say.
About the only thing I can suggest is for your mom to stay as active as possible, and to spend time with people doing whatever she loves to do. That alone will make memories that live on. Like the ones you've related to us here. (And make sure you remind her often of how much she is loved by all of you.)
Well, Iggy, you've got me thinking, too! I read your post this morning, but I just didn't know what to say. But I didn't not want to say something, either, so I kept thinking.
The hard thing is...I've been down about that same line of thinking this week, myself. So whatever I'd say to your mom, I'd have to say to myself. And I don't know what to tell myself!
The thing about Evelyn Bryan Johnson is that, I think, everyone wants to be like her. No one wants to drag to a useless end in life. My parents were just like that--except, of course, for the kazillion flight hours. My dad was a professional musician who had his own music studio and taught there in his later years. He drove himself to the hospital after a morning at work, so that he could have his cancer surgery. If it weren't for unexpected complications, he probably assumed, once he was discharged, that he'd get right back in his little sports car and drive back to work. My mom was the same way: an English teacher until the district's mandated retirement age (80), then she found a part time job and lots of political campaigns and community involvement to keep her busy. She was driving to "the hills" for a hike one morning when the car wreck that broke her neck derailed her. She ended up in the very situation she so often mentioned dreading: vegging in a convalescent hospital. That was the very antithesis of the "being needed" that she needed.
I was doing some work this week on business use of social media, and ran across this podcast. It was helpful for my purposes...but all of a sudden I found myself looking at these successful twenty-somethings and feeling very old. I'm not, of course ;) You can't be old until you're past ninety in my family! But it still hit me. It was like all the "useful" drained right out of my fingers. It doesn't matter how old you are, once you feel not useful, you now are old.
So, for your mom, I guess the answer is to feel useful. I imagine you and the rest of your family can help, there. You've already said it in your post: "I will be lost without her."
And I suspect the other answer is the one to the question, "Will you remember me?" While she won't have a legacy of FAA hall of fame status, she certainly means a great deal to the people in her own circles, especially in her family. It never hurts to re-affirm that. Again.
No matter how firm a foundation one's faith may be to a person, I think there is always that uncertainty about the unknown. I can't think of many people who would prefer to be anything but alive! Unfortunately, there isn't really a way to remove that uncertainty about the future. Faith is walking through uncertainty, knowing that everything will turn out all right. It isn't easy to do that.
Just being there, encouraging her to do what makes her feel useful, helping her to see how she is useful and important to your family's life even when she doesn't feel useful, and building her confidence that she will be remembered for the specific relationships she has with family and friends is all that you can do. But "just" that can be a tall order!
Hugs, Iggy! I think you already got some pretty terrific answers, and I can't think of anything brilliant to add. I think loving with all your heart, and telling people you love how much you love them, is the best you can do. Life is sometimes tough, but we're all in it together!
Ms. Johnson sounds like a real character!!! She bucked a lot of norms for a woman in the '40's starting her own career!!
HUGS, Iggy. That isn't easy. My mother right now is already saying "What is the point of my life?" and shes not even hit 70 yet. "What is the purpose of it all?" and I don't know what to tell her either.
Have her volunteer at the church nursery. It may give her a sense of purpose. Have her volunteer at something really meaningful.
Is she wondering what will people have to say about her when she dies?
She raised a family, she lived through so many things. She is loved by all. Hang in there Iggy.
I lost my Mom 5 years ago. Her biggest worry was not being remembered. She was heavily into geneology and had a gravestone at hers and Dads grave sites for a decade before she needed it. (She's not there. Her ashes are still in a box, on the mantel at home, but that's another story.) So the biggest thing I think you can do to reassure her is that all the people that love her will always love her and will tell her stories to their children. We know you will. It really doesn't matter that strangers don't read about her. BTW, we are not strangers. We want to hear those stories.
I hope your parents are feeling better, and you can have a great visit to the houseboat! It is hard to believe that Memorial Day is just a few days away. They year has flown!
It is hard as our parents get older. My mom is losing her friends and family at a pretty fast pace this year...she will be 88 in just over a month, and is planning their 70th HS reunion! Sadly only about 5 or 6 of them left from the class of 42! She's busy knitting sweaters and hats for babies in hospitals too! Just little things that keep her mind and hands busy!
Your Mom and Dad will be remembered by many as remarkable folks! They raised some pretty awesome boys and have touched many lives in many ways!
Here's hoping that we both have lots of time left with our folks!
Ms Johnsons last quote says it all..each time she went up in an aircraft she saw something new and exciting.
It sucks to get old. You begin to lose many of your friends, you get sick, you think that perhaps someday you won't be able to care for yourself..it is depressing.
I am certain that your Moms recent illness may have something to do with her attitude. I have had this cold/whatever for 17 days now..I tell ya death would at least be a release.
A long time ago I started my blog just so that some small part of me would be left behind..so that it would be there when my Grands will say "I wish I had written down some of Grandma old stories".
I am not saying that your Mom should blog..unless of course she wants to.
But she needs to find something to make her feel better about ageing..hopefully she will find that "something". For my Mother it was volunteering, for my Grandmother it was cooking and baking for the entire family and half the countryside. My Mother In Law became a a bit of a recluse.
I hope you all get to go out on the boat this weekend..that will cheer everyone up! :)
Darn that blogger, Iggy; I left a comment on this the other day and I saw that it didn't take. I'm glad you had lunch with your mom and had a good visit; after I get through working today, I'll try to remember my thoughts about what I wrote in my comment that Blogger lost and recomment here plus comment on your other post. Blogger!!!!
betty
okay, back :)
I can't remember all I said in that comment that got lost, but I can see where your mom is coming from; but of course her life is not over yet and she has so much to offer! I think all of us just want to feel valued and of worth and maybe she needs to find something to find that value and worth, whether it be volunteering some place, starting a blog and having people of her life, sorting through and labeling old pictures, etc, but I am sure it is hard to find the words to direct her to do so :) I know my mom was fortunate in that she lived with my sister and her young family, so she was able to help with folding laundry, simple meal preparation, etc., which gave her that value. Not sure I helped; I think my other comment was about the same that I wrote here.
betty
Wow. What a life. There are those that just leave me wondering if I will even be able to do as much...or something of true worth.
Everything that your Mom is feeling thinking is normal. Talking about it all is best. I know I'm late to the start gate with this but... Maybe ask her more questions about her and then journal it for her. She may just need to see how much she has given and you will treasure having her words on paper. Once she starts telling some stories, more and more will come to mind. {{hugs}}
Sounds like a it could be a treatable case of depression.
If you don't see it lift -- a little help from the DR is my prescription
I will pray that your folks feel better soon! I think God has a plan for each of our lives. Your mom raised up a terrific family and she should be blessed to know she did a great job!
Life moves so quickly, grab each moment like it is your last! Enjoy oyur family to the fullest!
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