Reuben ConeCaid

Ever since the Partridge Family broke up in the mid-1970s, Reuben ConeCaid has been looking for a new act to manage. He finally hooked up with the super-hot Conas Brothers and is once again, a very busy cone.

This weekend, thanks to Lynn over at Ramblin' Southern Woman who arranged it, he managed to get away from the endless press releases and marketing headaches to join me on the Chester River for a couple days a float.


Reuben, being used to being in command, immediately wanted to check out the helm and see which direction the ship was heading and at what speeds. I had to tell him the boat was tied up at the pier.

I think he was a little disappointed, but he hollered, "Point Me In The Direction Of Albuquerque!" I shrugged and pointed westward and didn't bother to tell him Albuquerque was in the middle of the desert.


He then checked out the galley, saying, "All that sea air makes a man really hungry!" As I got busy with the food preparations, I could have sworn he was whistling, "Whale Song" and believe me, I was very happy it wasn't "I Think I Love You!"


Unfortunately, Reuben is just a short little guy. For him, "It`s A Long Way To Heaven" or at least two or three feet further than it is for the rest of us. I had to get him a couple thick Waterman's Guides to Tying Knots books and a phonebook to sit on before he could see his plate on the table.


After a dinner high in fiber, Reuben enjoyed the novelty of a floating throne - and sang "I Can Feel Your Heartbeat" to himself while in the head. I think he was somewhat embarrassed when he had to ask me how to flush the toilet. "It doesn't have a jiggle handle, Iggy!" He was most astonished when I pressed the little black button on the far rim of the vanity - an electric toilet!


Much too excited to sleep, it was only early evening anyway, Reuben bounced up and down on his bed and hummed, since he didn't know the words to "Where Do We Go From Here?"

Suddenly I heard Reuben hollering, "Iggy! Iggy! Come here, I see a Partridge!"


I put down my bucket and sponge and double-timed it the stern of the houseboat where I saw an odd bird standing with his head hutched down on top of the old Osprey's nest. "Reuben, you silly ol' cone, that's not a Partridge, it just stands like one!"


Reuben slammed open the porthole window and told the rather surprised Heron, "Somebody Wants To Love You!"

Poor ol' Reuben ConeCaid.

I pulled him back into the boat and poured him a stiff drink of some demon rum and and joined him singing some songs between some liquid refreshments... In the late hours of the ninight, we sang a final song before putting the light out and watching the Milky Way in the night sky reflect off the still waters as our eyelids became heavier and heavier...

Window walkin` downtown, feelin` mighty good
And I noticed from the corner how all alone she stood
Underneath the lamplight, an angel in disguise
Lonely little runaway with teardrops in her eyes

Crazy little rag doll, her hair was wild and tossed
And I put my arm around her, `cause I knew that she was lost
She didn`t seem to notice that anyone was near
Till suddenly she turned to me and whispered in my ear

Point me in the direction of Albuquerque
I want to go home, and help me get home
Point me in the direction of Albuquerque
I need to get home, need to get home

Showed me a ticket for a Greyhound bus
Her head was lost in time
She didn`t know who or where she was
And anyone that helps me is a real good friend of mine
Real good friend of mine

Point me in the direction of Albuquerque
And help me get home, help me get home

Walked her to the station and kissed away the tears
Knowing I`d remember through all the coming years
Rag doll on that Greyhound who waved with all her might
Weeped against the window as the bus rolled out of sight

Point me in the direction of Albuquerque
I want to go home, and help me get home
Point me in the direction of Albuquerque
I need to get home, need to get home...

Thanks for the cool Cone Lynn!