Sadness - Acceptance

I recently got an e-mail from a talented, dear person that I admire who has recently lost her father to cancer and her 103+ year old grandmother nearly at the same time.

I had no real words of comfort for her. I still have no real words of comfort for her.

Another friend finds the occasion of her father's birthday to be painful even after nearly 20 years of his passing.

I had no real words of comfort for her either...Someone commented on her entry and said this:

"The relentless forward march of time produces many events in our lives, both fair and unfair. These events in turn, merge into a bittersweet mosaic called “memories,” Those memories never diminish or get easier to bear. We merely condition ourselves.

It’s called acceptance."

And while I found myself nodding in agreement...I thought there has to be something more.

My nephew's recent graduation was the source of some distress - or rather a slide show composed of many pictures showing him growing from a wee baby to the grown adult he now is, was...because in those many pictures were very few me and him - or my parents and him...

Granted my older brother doesn't live around the corner - but the 360 miles that separate us are nothing - to a family as nomadic as mine - I know I'm rarely home on weekends - and my parents, well, they could be anywhere in the country on any given weekend... they just weren't in upstate New York very often, or at least not for photo opportunities.

There was and is more than mere miles that separated us - it's things said that can't be unsaid - hurt feelings that a simple apology can't heal... petty dislikes, personality quirks, and just plain impatience with each other's perceived shortcomings, foibles and eccentricities.

My point is this - letting this get in the way of family and friends...of shared times together has led to some internal grief and self-remonstrations, that could have been avoided.

I know others that suffer from family squabbles and worse. Much of the bad temper is caused by the pettiest of things. Yes, we all have a right to our opinions and yes, there is (supposedly) freedom of speech in this country, but...sometimes keeping one's mouth shut can demonstrate character. A type of character once held by any "gentleman" worthy of the title. A gentler, kinder world would be a much nicer one. A little more "compromise" and a little more "meeting half way" would have changed how things unfurled over the past 16-18-20 years.

Unfortunately, some mouths weren't kept shut. And sometimes people took on things that were "none of their business". My brother's families were (and are) theirs to raise - negative and/or snide comments about how they are managing this difficult "untaught" task were and are not appreciated, even if there was a voice of hard-learned experience behind them and even if they were "told you so, right".

And so, I went digging, putting my nose where I didn't, and don't, think it belongs, to find a picture...where my parents were together with the graduating nephew.


..and found one. My sister-in-law took this photograph of my parents, her family, and the neighbors (with the requisite dogs) down at the seashore. The old woman in the center suffered from bad health and the day of this photo, she had one of very rare "good days" as she is standing up in front of her daughter, son-in-law, and grandchildren. She died the following winter.

No, I don't think events form a "bittersweet mosaic called 'memories'," they form extended and fantastically complicated, interconnected mosaics - with some of mine in yours - and some of yours in mine - and with parts neither of us can see...

I ought to see that the neighbor's daughter gets a copy of this photo.

And I ought to tell some family that - what is past is past - we need to focus on the future - and try to make it less bitter and more sweet.